proust’s swann

I spend a lot of time missing people and things. I know, if you don’t know me and your only entrance into my world is this blog, you probably just nudged your closest Idealiotic Idolizer (fan club ™ pending) knowingly at that illuminating admission. Like – I told you he seemed like a guy who spent a lot of time missing people. And things? Yes, and things.

But don’t worry, faithful Idolizers, I also spend an equally exorbitant amount of time worrying that I’m missing people and things while I’m missing people and things. Like, my past is screwing up my present.  Then I allow myself some latitude, some forgiveness, and remind myself that we are where we come from even if whatever that is does not fully define or restrict us. And I think of it, instead of as a sort of limbo, or being stuck in the past, or lost in yesterday – as “paying tribute” to what was special to me before and is now gone. Honoring my ghosts. I don’t know if I do this so they won’t haunt me or if I am empowering them to do so. But I miss what I miss, the feelings are just there, and I don’t need outside shame for doing so. Believe me, I’m all stocked up on that.

So today I’m going to honor my ghosts without the shame because I miss them. Genuine feelings of love and longing are not a shameful thing. If ever I were someone’s ghost I’d want to know. Or maybe not. My ego would want to know but if I caused sadness by my ghost-ness maybe not. I already started spitballing poem ideas so maybe tomorrow’s Poetuesday ™ post will crystallize, or in my usual nature further murk-ify, my thoughts on this but then I will challenge myself to find balance by writing about the future for the rest of the week. Maybe even positive things! Let’s not get too crazy. Baby steps. So here’s who and what I miss and time machine over a little too often. Maybe. Probably. For the record, I miss nothing pre-babies. Nothing would I change or do I miss from before I became what I am mostly today; which is not emo-blogger, sad ghost-worshipper, or any other lame caricature that I am not fully but sometimes play one on tv. What I am, mostly, today is a father to my three children. My life started with my boy’s first breath. I neither regret, nor miss, anything that led to that.

  • I miss baby toes and smells and baths and laughs. I miss the sense of purpose they come with. I miss firsts. Each first is a first. It’s not like first steps or words become old hat after one kid. Each first is its own thing.
  • I miss my yard. I miss yardwork and warm days after work that felt like weekends for a little while. My gardens. Standing back at the street I used to play on as a kid and smelling fresh cut grass and bbq suburban heaven and newly laid mulch with dirty hands and sore knees as I looked at our house after I spent the day making it look just so.
  • I miss friends I used to see more. I’ve been cut out or ostracized or outsourced by a select group of my friends and it goes beyond just everyone having kids and being married (which they are) it’s like I gave myself a leprosy that doesn’t appeal to some of their more delicate sensibilities but still I love and miss them. I love my friend family that has me no matter what, wouldn’t trade them for anything, but still I miss the extended portion of my people.
  • And i miss you. The you in the previous sentence would know the pronoun was used to mask your perfect face and most might know but saying so is off limits but I miss you. Always. Find me on a mountain in the next life and we’ll draw each other and the sky reflecting the ocean and watch john hughes-y rom coms and listen to whatever music you decide to soundtrack our next chapter with.

My past helped make who i am at present. I will be wiser in the future thanks to it as well. I pay tribute to my lovely ghosts and wish they weren’t behind me. But they are, and that’s ok. It’s not like there’s any choice or chance to Lazerus my past. I know that. Doesn’t stop me from wistful remembrances, regardless of shame or the lack thereof. Truth is truth. I miss my ghosts.

8 thoughts on “proust’s swann

  1. “I miss baby toes” really struck me. My own children are quickly leaving the “baby” part of their lives behind and I am already dreading the day when there will be no more bubbles and baths and snuggles…I love the honesty in your slices- real, raw, tough honesty. Thank you for being open to sharing this with all of us!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Your post is beautiful. Melancholy, poetic, a lament. I liked the format, naming the things, people, moments that we miss. I found myself pondering these lines, “My past helped make who i am at present. I will be wiser in the future thanks to it as well.” It is important to continue to learn from the past. Thank you for a thought provoking Monday post!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Sometimes we must be careful that when “in search of lost time,” we don’t miss the present because if we do we will regrettably not have in the future a “remembrance of things past.”

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Such a fearless entry. Well written and honest! I find myself surrounded by people who look at the past without reflection…naming everything that went wrong and such. Although you may be hurt from the past, I am learning that you are taking those lessons learned and continuing to move forward. It takes a lot to keep looking up…

    Liked by 1 person

  5. This is everything. Beautiful. Raw. Funny. Hopeful. Sad. I absolutely love this – my favorite thing you’ve written so far this challenge.

    That last bullet, though – the “I miss you” – that’s the one that really got me.

    Beautiful post, Eddie.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. This one, uh, really got me chocked up. So honest and the absolute opposite of shameful- I just see a real bravery. The entire last bullet point was so beautiful and heartbreaking all at the same time. “Find me on a mountain in the next life…” So good, really and truly, so good.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I just got back from a memorial for a buddy of mine that passed away a year ago. I totally get why you talk about what you miss. From the big thing to the little things in life, it is never easy. We have so many good things that we live for, and when any of them are taken away, its tough. Great post!

    Like

  8. Pingback: fin – Idealiotic

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