free, time

Parent teacher conferences are over. The weekend is beginning. The practice baseball game we had scheduled for after school just got canceled due to field mush. It would’ve been a 40 degree baseball game I’d have to coach but I was really looking forward to that glimpse of spring. And a little extra time with the kids. As it stands I won’t see them now until Monday morning. Basketball season ended last week. Due to the baseball game we were supposed to have our winter workout Saturday practice was canceled and will remain so. Because the past 1.5 days were conferences I actually had enough time to do all my planning for this, the final week before spring break. So I’m faced with basically a free weekend to chill, get things done at a leisurely pace, and one seemingly open to endless possibilities. Ugh. Pass. Fast forward. No thank you.

I don’t need to mention that it’s also St Patrick’s day tomorrow. I don’t remember the last time I “celebrated” this holiday. I’m sure I’ll have some crowded solo drinks somewhere at some point tomorrow. Stuff like that tends to be more depressing than fun. I don’t know. After writing that first paragraph I realized I needed some reason for today’s post. Not just complaining about being lonely this upcoming weekend. It forced me to reflect because I felt like, as a slice, it was what was on my mind today the most, so worth mining for something.

I just spent a day and a half explaining to 85% of my parents why 85% of my students have been off the rails looney toons lately. Similar speeches amended for individual kids and their roles in the shenanigans that plague the fifth grade as a whole this year. It made me think of another reason why my posts, now that we’re at the halfway point, have been less than textual rainbows and sunshine. Yes, as previously stated in another post, I tend to focus on creating written pieces to work through the suck as opposed to just dwelling in happiness. And yes, there are some parts just built in to my life, and specific bummers that have beset me, that factor into both the tenor and content of my posts since we started the challenge. But also, too, it has been a long, lame winter. Very long and solitary. And I lean on my having nonkid weekend coaching or work to do to fall back on. Or social affairs with which to immerse myself and mask the solitude that bookends such events.

This weekend I have none of that to hide behind. I may go 24 hours without actually opening my mouth and saying words to another human being, simply because there are none to do so with. Think about that. I go long stretches like that all the time. I never thought that would be my life but it is.  And when I have to face my life as is it is scary and depressing. For now. Spring is coming (all these spring is coming posts are slightly more upbeat than this one, ha) and I said I would try to focus more on the future this week. Spring is coming and I know with it comes more hiding places from reality. Sports and kids and work and social friend stuff.

But it’s still just hiding. Fake it til ya make it stuff. I am aware of this which means I know what I want to fix one of these days. That’s gotta count for somethin’. Until I get that figured out, though, I just have to realize these empty spaces in time that provide no shelter or support from the loneliness of reality are far and few between. And that I think I might be part Irish somewhere. It may not be the most positive way to cope, but it is a way. Bartender!

6 thoughts on “free, time

  1. I think there’s a bad joke in there somewhere…”So a lonely guy walks into a bar…” Maybe you need to get a cat…I talk to mine all of the time. Hang in there. As you say, spring is just around the corner!

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  2. I would imagine that many people can look into their lives and say like you, “I never thought that would be my life but it is.” I know I can. So, you see, you really are not “alone.” Sometimes our discontentment is what keeps us from fulfillment. Becoming content is often the step that releases us to receive what we are longing for.

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    1. Yeah. I know many people feel the emotions put forth in this one. Further, so many people have actual sadness that goes beyond my whiny suburban wankery. Discontentment is the antithesis of fulfillment so I’m sure it’s usually a main culprit in its absence. It may not come out in my self righteous writing so i get it, but i assure you i desire and strive for contentment with all my heart. I thank you for wishing to steer me toward it. It is my hopeful destination. Some day.

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  3. That last line, Eddie. Lol.

    I just finished reading Present Over Perfect and a big theme of the book is about the importance of those empty spaces in our lives, and how we need the silence to get to know our true selves. So, maybe, just maybe, this is exactly what you need for whatever reason right now.

    Or maybe just order another drink.

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  4. After many, many drinks, on many, many days other than SPD, I saw the proverbial pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Hell, I finally saw the rainbow! Whatever you’re going through…it has its time, and it has its point (I hate when people tell me there’s a reason for everything, so I’m not going to be patronizing and say such a thing…). I hope you find your way to the good stuff, sooner than later.

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