you make me feel like this by seeing snow

Snapped at the kids (my real ones) the other day for making a silly kid mistake. I was swamped and just reacted. Impatient. The notion of me as a superhero has been wiped out for them for years now. They are well aware of my human-ness. Because of that they also know, now, that the explosion is really just a preamble to apology. Their emotional reaction meets mine in intensity at the flashpoint but history allows them to chill out way quicker than I wind up being able to. 

I’m dealing internally with impatience lately. This is fine except when it bleeds on other people too. This festering wound of insecurity and fear. I’m on the other side of a hole I called home for a stretch which had an area code in the past. Dreary, that. But most of the rest of my life I’ve been an in the moment kind of guy. Yes, there is a certain zen in all of that but my live-in-the-now basically had poor posture and wore sunglasses. It was less a lifestyle and more an only option. I never really thought I had much to look forward to. Hence, nothing but patience.

My now is better than it has been in some time. It’s not what some would call “good” or “ok”, per se, but for me it’s decent and spackled, finally, with lightness and smiling. And, to be honest, I want more. You squint at the end of a tunnel because deprivation has made what was missed a source of scary, especially if that tunnel went on so long as to be assumed permanent. But eventually that new light is all consuming, or you’re all consuming of it. 

No better way to snuff out a light than to smother it. Both that which emanates from within, and outwardly sourced. I’m light years beyond a past I thought was my always. I’m surprised, happily so, that there is impetus for impatience. It’s so not me. Zen. Chill. 

I didn’t reach a tunnel’s end by stressing about some imaginary pinhole I knew didn’t exist in distance that was well beyond where I was ever going. Yet here we are. Out in the sun of maybes. That is my right now. Sunglasses on, slouch resumed. Bring it. Or don’t. I’ll be here, hopeful, but patient.

5 thoughts on “you make me feel like this by seeing snow

  1. There is a tension in this that I can’t quite identify, but that feels incredibly familiar. I appreciate your words.

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  2. I think I am a pretty patient person, but sometimes there is a breaking point. But it is nice that you are aware and always striving for better as a person!!

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  3. You have always struck me as a patient person, so to read that you are struggling with impatience surprises me. The fact that you are noticing and naming 😉 is also not surprising. This too, shall pass. Now, if I could only heed my own advice!

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