Racetrack Mind

Day 2 

We just started and I have that cartoon angel/devil thing going. Conscience. Especially since I made my Slice One Vow. I think about the 24 hours between posts and wonder what will come out and look to my shoulder (angel? devil?) and say, over and over, “I’m not going to write about you.”

“But truth, though. Honesty, right?”

“I’m not going to write about you.”

“Really?”

“Really. Even this isn’t about you. They’re going to think I’m having a mental break, let me write my slice now please.”

I admitted a long time ago that I have an addictive personality. I’ve been lucky and it hasn’t manifested as drug or alcohol or gambling abuse or anything. I’m addicted to feelings. I’m addicted, it seems at times, to rejection. At least based on my actions. It’s good to know these “areas of weakness” in yourself. Isn’t that what they tell us on slides at countless PDs? But if I don’t fully understand something, especially concerning someone I care about more than I do myself? I dig and dig and dig. Until I find myself in a hole. Alone. So it goes. Lather, rinse, repeat.

But I’m not focusing on negativity or sadness here. I do see it as a plus that I know this stuff about myself and can track and unpack most of it. 

I’m hoping the return of slicing is going to get me out of my cyclical rut. Something new that I honestly look forward to. Its daily pattern certainly doesn’t lend itself to trying to get out of doing the same thing every gray day I suppose.

But it’s really sunny today. And super coldwarm. Even addictions to health lead to well-worn paths of boredom which become excuses for going the other way. I have lots of work to do. Maybe I skip the gym for a walk before the sun drops and work after dark? I keep myself very very busy pretty much always. Helps the mind stay occupied. But on a walk in late winter sunshine seems as safe a place as any to let the mind wander where it will. Maybe I even steal some smiles from the go go go I’m used to.

“I have only 2 emotions

Careful fear and dead devotion

I can’t get the balance right

With all my marbles in the fight”

One thought on “Racetrack Mind

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