Empty Hand, Open Sky

Day 15

On the precipice of something. Some things, even, maybe. New can be scary. We suffer setbacks and people grant grace as we “get back on our feet” but people have their own lives. We are lucky when we have people to lean on and melt into but eventually either they stiffen their shoulders or take them away altogether. Eventually we need to find our feet, even if still dizzy and balance-challenged. We need to look scary in the face, nod, and get on with it. 

I’ve put into motion, almost on a whim, the process of buying my first home as a single person. I can’t afford it, but I’m trusting I’ll find a way. I’ve been living on my own more or less since I was 17 or 18, but I just say that to mean I moved out of my childhood home then. I had periods of time when I came back. Lots of apartments and stays with family members. I even bought a real nice house and lived there for almost 10 years when I was married. I’ve lived with friends, girlfriends, fiances, a wife, kids. But I am alone on this precipice and it just feels like it’s time. 

Despite the 6 or so recent articles I’ve read since this search began outlining why now “Might Be The Worst Time In Recent History To Buy A House” and the very very thinned and expensive amount of options available due to the complex mix of fact and opinion within those articles, it has to work. I can wiggle-room baby step tiptoe for a while in the corner of life surrounded by fresh and rotted paint which is the product solely of my own choices. I know. 

But there are times in life where a leap of faith is required. At least while writing the backstory I want to one day look back on for myself there are. Accountability. Belief in the goodness and strength of who you say you are or sometimes even pretend to be. Who you want to be. I want to look back and smile. I want to stop looking back altogether. The pebbles loosen and give beneath my feet at this trembling precipice. I can choose to let that fuel my fear or I can take it as a not so gentle urging to jump. To trust. To trust that I won’t be viewed as less than when my expenditures must shrink rapidly to account for mortgage payments. To trust that I won’t fall back on credit cards I’ve worked so hard to get down to zero. To evolve in a way that the trust I place in myself, finally, will engage and attract others in my orbit to trust me. 

4:15 o’clock. I know that the odds are that I don’t walk out of there the owner of a new 2 bedroom condo. But it’s a step. And for me, a leap.

“When kindness falls like rain
It washes her away and Anna begins to change her mind
‘These seconds when I’m shaking leave me shuddering
for days, ‘ she says
And I’m not ready for this sort of thing”

One thought on “Empty Hand, Open Sky

  1. Well. I, for one, am excited for you as you take this leap. So many things we do never really have a perfect time to anyway, so why not? My husband and I bought our house a couple of years before the market completely dropped out in 2008. We’re still trying to get ourselves whole. Am I still happy we bought? You better believe it. =))

    Liked by 1 person

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