Time Tricks

Day 23

I spent a long time with a foot in the past. To be honest, lots of that time maybe like, my shadow, or the smell of my deodorant, lingered in the present while most of the entirety of me was firmly in the back then. And, while my heart would be chained to a train going fast the other way my head would be worrying about tomorrow. And even then it was never really tomorrow tomorrow I would be focused on but, like, all the tomorrows. 

I try and be here now, now. When possible. There is so much going on. Priorities and such. Maybe building sandcastles on the shores of before is a real bad way of creating a foundation from which to evolve? But of course what was learned in the past is valuable. But, then, also too? If every hope that got obliterated in the times before now forced me to go the other way, I don’t think I’d ever do anything uncalculated again. I’d be safe with my walls high and my armor pristine and impenetrable. But is that the now I want? 

It is not. And I concede that I may be big dumb for it. It’s hard not to compare yourself with others. People I’ve known forever who have what I want most, knowing for a fact that I want it more than they ever did. But they have it. They could do without just fine, and maybe even wish they had some things that I do. But my one thing. My forever one thing? Comes so easily to those who don’t care either way. 

And that’s not me looking back or forward, really. That’s in this moment right now. And maybe that fractured lens I know I rely on for clarity in the now is why the temptation to try and figure a way to mend the past or lament a future yet to come happens so easily for me.

Or, at least, why it did for so long. But now I know that, yes, some parts of that today lens is true and some are shards splintered by a tumultuous past. I can’t change the past. And it seems more and more that just by trying to be good won’t grant me the future that I want. 

It’s about owning the fracture. I can choose to ignore past lessons in the name of romanticism or adventure, but now I need to carry with me that awareness. Not full walls and armor, but at least a seatbelt. And as for being petrified of the future? Falling short of this mythical heaven I’m striving to deserve? I’ll get what I get. And I’ll keep wanting what I want. But lately I suddenly have things to look forward to. Not just stuff for my students or my kid kids, but for me. Not for 10 years from now, not for all the rest of it. But in a couple days. A couple weeks. Baby steps. Looking that far into the future and no further means my feet can stay planted in today and not be afraid to smile. 

“ ‘Cause when I look around

I think this, this is good enough

And I try to laugh

At whatever life brings

‘Cause when I look down

I just miss all the good stuff

And when I look up

I just trip over things“

One thought on “Time Tricks

  1. This post. It’s so honest, so true, so vulnerable, and 100% HUMAN. I know I can identify with these same struggles and challenges. If I had solutions, of course, I could sell them for a million bucks (but don’t worry, I’ll give you the family discount).

    All I have, though, is validation, the assurance that you are NOT alone.

    Liked by 1 person

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