Dear me in 11 months and a day,
Back to slicing. It’s been a year. Good luck this time around. I figured I’d time capsule some advice from this vantage point. Hope you’re well. Moreover, I hope this ages well and it’s an evolved me reading this.
First off, please tell me your focus is where it’s supposed to be. You somehow still spent how much time in the last year, the last decade, sending missives of the heart via text and sat for how long, all told, waiting for a reply that would never come? And if it did, it was miles from what you expected after dousing the characters with pure heart blood and hitting send. How many hours you have spent, miles you have driven, in search of cookies or candy or some other dumb trinket you know someone likes because THAT was going to be the one shiny bauble that made it click in their headheart that you are worthy. I know in your heart it’s sweet and romantic. Grow up. Please. It comes off at best as annoying and probably mostly pathetic. You won’t get more until you truly believe you deserve more.
I know this current spat with those good friends is good by now. Why? Because they do love you. You blew it up like you do everything. Eddie, listen – you have friends and family that allow you to be imperfect. They’re ok with mistakes. They forgive and, more than that, sometimes they actually don’t even notice because the whole world isn’t Truman Showing you. Everyone isn’t your ex wife. There, I said it. In fact you have a whole army of a support system who are not going to leave you for being you. That was once. It was big, but it was once. And it’s not fair to put that fear on everyone over everything. You blow the tiniest things because you immediately assume they see you as an easily discardable monster and it’s time to stop. These people, so many, have shown the kindness of letting you make their shoulders couches for you to cry on, for years. About what? Lost love. Feeling like you’ll never deserve someone’s heart. Dude. You do this all while they are straight up giving you all of their heart. You cry about a lack of empathy into ears for the millionth time without asking how their day was or how you can help them. Brutal. Stop it. You passed the age a long time ago where the “romantic” part of hopeless romantic left the building for pretty much everyone.
Remember. You have grown but the rebel in you needs to make a comeback pronto. The idiot kid with the weird hair who wore dresses and painted his nails. Him. He’s still in there. You have a career and kids and so yeah, be a grown up. I’m talking about the part of that kid who honestly didn’t care who liked who he was and who didn’t. You were sweet and caring to everyone, but your outward appearance weeded out those who were not those things and that was good. Stop clinging to those who don’t want you. Let them go if they want to go.
Women don’t want you to always be the dog with the bird in your mouth at their door. Man, you have so many feathers in your canines that it’s a wonder your food don’t have giggle tickle fits when you eat. If a bird wants to fly from you, buddy, you gotta let it. If it flies back, then? Maybe? Maybe it’s love.
You were lucky when you started work to have so many take you under their wing. Karen and Mo, for instance, always think they are putting your best interest as a man, a dad, and a teacher in the forefront when they sit you down. Remember Karen’s pies. Yes, it was that fake it til you make it type advice of which you’ve heard every iteration from every person who cares about you for years now. But, angel face, you make one piece of your pie WAY too big. You have since the 4th grade. And when that pie piece goes bad the whole pie, to you, is ruined. Equal piece sizes. Your other pieces haven’t always been great and they need you whole to deal with them. I hope you’re remembering your pie. Equal pieces.
Ok that was a lot. Shocker. Maybe this year you inject some brevity into the slices? Lulz. Look around at how lucky you are. Find the spark that made you you way back when. Keep growing around it. You’re going to be ok. You treat people well. You love your job and take it very seriously. That can be enough. You get better at work, and at life, every year. I hope you absolutely lept this year into what I know you can, and want to, do.
Love always, me.
PS – Ok, it’s just us now. That thing? The main thing that you’ve made the main thing? You’re right. Your heart says, it and even though thinking that way has led you down the wrong path again and again, the person you are believes in your heart. Don’t lose that. I believe with all I’ve got that you’re right. Baby step all the way up that mountain if need be. It is a prize, and you deserve it. Be you. Love big. I’m proud of that part of you. Peace.
“You are the bearer of unconditional things
You held your breath and the door for me
Thanks for your patience
You’re the best listener that I’ve ever met
You’re my best friend”