Lucky Me

(day 17)

In my opening post this year I talked about how I would try and be aware of the positivity levels, or lack of them, that I would be writing with this month. I outlined the notion that writing, for me, is more of a catharsis. A thing I do in order to deal with sadness or lack or whatever. I wrote about this in that post to sort of explain why this would be a challenge for me and I noted also that I knew I would be unsuccessful from time to time.

 

I wrote yesterday about my difficulties, still, grappling with being a divorced dad who misses chunks of his kids’ lives. I wrote about how weekends still didn’t feel right being a dad and being alone anyways. Another Slicer commented on my post, trying to empathize or otherwise add a dimension to what I wrote. It was not her intention at all, I know this, but it gutted me and I’ve been thinking about it ever since. I tried to be careful in my, let’s face it, complaining diatribe about coming to terms with my reality. I noted that I didn’t mean to put down others in my spot who looked forward to kid-free weekends, and I also made sure to add that I understood that sometimes a tough decision to split up had to be made regardless of whether or not that meant not being with your kids for stretches of their childhoods.

 

But the thing about complaint laden diatribes spewed in truthful moments of emotional angst is it’s often impossible to see and cover all sides. The Slicer who commented was a widow who had no choice to make in her reality and here I was bitching about how I had no real choice in mine. Ugh. Again, this person did not comment to make me feel bad or selfish. She was commenting on how her situation was somewhat similar to mine. She was sweet and honest. When I comment on a post I often do the same – talk about what the post I just read sparked inside of me or how I made a connection to it. Still, I felt bad for complaining. I usually do when I realize that complaining is what I’m actually doing because in the moment it usually feels like something else. I have to remember that usually “venting” is a synonym for complaining. Anyways, I am sorry for my ignorance.

 

Last night I went out with 9 other guys. Three of them I’ve been tight like family with for about 25 years and the other guys came from one of my family 3’s “other” group of young ruffians so they have all been interspersed parts of my life as well. Many memories. One is even my lawyer. Or was when I needed one. I plan on litigious days being a one time portion of my life.

 

It was my choice when I was 18 to not become a Floridian for the rest of my life. My parents and two of my brothers are there still and my other brother is in Kentucky now. We are close. I love them very much and am grateful for my childhood spent with them all. But having these guys to hang out with – last night and all the last nights for the last 25-odd years, has been a blessing and has been necessary.

 

It’s not easy for me to ask for or accept help and it’s not easy to know that I’ve been the type of person who has had to ask for and accept help in the past few years and my family and friends have come through every time. I don’t mean to be short-sighted or seem like I don’t know and appreciate all the good in my life. There are many people who can’t say they have 9 close buddies to hang out with, all with families and lives of their own, on a random Saturday night. I have, beyond those 9, a bunch more as well. People I consider family and who see me in the same light. I am lucky for them and for my actual family. My children are lucky for both my friend family and my family family. They are all such a huge, impactful part of their lives too. So many friends, most of whom also had kids around the same time, to grow up having their backs. And their dad’s.

 

I was ignorant seeming and will be again. Maybe tomorrow. But today I am aware of this and am aware of how lucky I truly am. I have had a difficult road. So many people also do and so many people have much much more struggle in life than I do. But whatever struggles I have had or continue to have, whatever venting I do or however ignorant I can be, I am so grateful to have so many people not only rooting for me to succeed, but helping me do just that.