sorry

I have a couple hours yet but I know it won’t be good. I know I promised to slice and when I started out I did so with all the best intentions. I see other people always slice on time and so well. Neat and polished and complete. But today, I’m sorry, I understand the importance. I do. But I just can’t. Not today. If you ask, yeah, I guess I can explain. But as an adult I would really rather not give voice to embarrassment so you can be placated. Stuff is just really crazy now and this was just one of those days and it’s a mish mosh of all the stuff that, yes, I know suzie and edgar and viv took care of their own dramas and turned in another gem and yeah I am fully aware that I didn’t capitalize their names but right now I feel their names aren’t quite proper because I had a day. Ok? It was a getting used to a new work thing and a kid thing and a financial thing and a question the morality of all I do and say and feel and decide for myself and those someone decided (maybe me who can recall on days like this?) I was equipped to keep alive, like every single day, kind of thing. That’s my excuse if you needed one, ok? Sorry. I’m sorry. I know. This is important. Like super important and I signed up for it. I know. I promise, I know. Today, though. I’m sorry. I just couldn’t.

 

Sometimes some of us teachers/administrators/academics just need to remember that, although many of us are getting high marks for the aplomb with which we have, seemingly to the outside world anyways, reimagined how we ply our trade for these kids (and yes, believe me, I know we rarely get recognized exactly for what our jobs entail), our kids’ parents aren’t all able to so quickly reimagine the reality of their lives. I’m sure most of you are doing an amazing job respecting each parent/guardian. Let’s continue to remember the ocean of difficult many of our kids’ people are facing right now and just keep doing our very best to do our part.

6 thoughts on “sorry

  1. I feel you. It has been an especially difficult month to slice every day, and yesterday was my “day.” I wrote one sentence and posted it eight minutes before the deadline. Some days there is not enough left over for writing, and some days, you don’t want to share. However, I liked your non-post post apology. In many ways, it reminded me of E.E. Cummings in the rhythms and phrasings and interrupted thoughts and ideas tumbling across each other. It sounds like you had a difficult day at home and with online teaching. Tomorrow will be a new day, and hopefully a better one.

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  2. “yeah I am fully aware that I didn’t capitalize their names but right now I feel their names aren’t quite proper because I had a day. Ok?”

    I love that it’s not capitalized. Love the lack of punctuation. It’s that beautiful unedited free-thinking and deep-feelings happening. The overwhelment, ambition, and candor is palpable. Thems big words for what you did with so little convention and so much heart. Keep at it, friend. You’ve always got a reader here, even if she’s wiped the F out and too exhausted (lazy) to click on the website link after reading your full posts in my email. So sorry. The evolution & revisiting of Hazy the penguin made me laugh and the fact that you called all your students last week was WOW. Inspiring. Plus great Black Mirror insert… I’ll try to be better in the home stretch here 🙂

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  3. No apologies needed.

    And yeah, you signed on, but in the grand scheme, is it that important? It sounds like lots of other things took priority, as they probably should have.

    And that was my yesterday. It was also my post yesterday.

    And this shifting quicksand we are standing on sucks sometimes.

    And people who say they’re doing it perfectly are lying.

    And thank-you for not judging my use of and to start my comment.

    And thank-you for posting reality.

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  4. I have had far too many days. I keep waking up and trying again, because, well…no other option. There is beauty even in our struggles. I fully appreciated your late slice.

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  5. Your post resonates with me on so many levels. First of all? Yes, I’ve also written an apology post for letting a slice slip by. There are commitments we make to ourselves, but at some point it seems like a lot of us realize that it can’t come at too great a cost.

    What really struck me about your writing is that it really captures how a lot of us (ok, at least *me) as writers struggle with self-forgiveness.

    You sound like you had one heckuva day. That’s the part that we as a writing community can triage. How are you? I’m hoping you are better today, and that some of the messiness that followed you yesterday is settling down, at least a little bit.

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