Sleek As A Shriek

Slice 21

“It’s ok, it’s Monday.” 

This is a very hilarious side-splitter of a non-dad joke my students are used to me saying. At first they think they’re all smart when I say it after I screw up a math problem on the board on a Thursday in September. By the time I say it after falling over my computer cord on the Friday before Thanksgiving, it’s just the 1 or 2 little friends who still haven’t realized how awesome it is to pay attention to me who bust my chops for not knowing my calendar as well as they do. 

My workdays, especially, are actually pretty regimented for someone as Nick Miller as I can be. Same morning prep, stroll in 5-15 minutes before the kids do, tell myself I’m awesome from 8 to 3, breathe a little, do kid or girlfriend stuff or both, some food, go to sleep way too late – repeat. 

This morning as I chose my clothes I checked the weather, as you do here in the Chicago area where it could just as easily be 8 as it could 58. I checked and it said mid-forties and I remember thinking that it doesn’t matter too TOO much because I don’t have recess duty, so I’ll just need to not freeze for the 5 or so minutes at dismissal when I’ll also be out trying not to get run over by parents who almost never fail show me exactly why their kids sometimes just can’t follow directions no matter how many times they’re repeated or placed in easy to see, multi-modal fashion. I opted for no sweater (when it feels like winter I always wear a sweater over my shirt and tie because it is climate appropriate and I’ve tricked myself into thinking it makes me look less fat despite the extra layer definitely doing the opposite, plus during winter I always wear a sweater if I’m going to be outside for recess duty) and eschewed the 2nd pair of heavy pants I have as I wore the corduroys yesterday for recess duty (clue). 

When I packed my Chinese leftovers from Sunday night (SO MANY CLUES I’M REALIZING AS I TYPE THIS OUT) I thought about how much simpler it was going to be to eat it at my desk rather than in the lunchroom as I am lunch lady (stipend position) 5 days a week, but have recess duty only Monday and Tuesday. 

As lunchtime approached I had 2 girls in class working on a project for me that I need to do for the whole school, and one who was very earnest about finishing her lit essay so I invited them all to stay in for recess, if they wanted, and work on their stuff while I ate. As I ambled back from the lounge microwave with my assorted Chinese foods mixed in tupperware, I saw my teaching partner talking to someone in the hall and thought, “man, recess started like 7 minutes ago she sure doesn’t seem to be in a hurry to get outside for duty.”

It finally hit me then. Not hard enough, but momentarily. It’s Tuesday. “Um, girls, sorry, I was kidding – you need to come outside with me.” 

I didn’t think to joke about my thinking it was Monday because then the joke would’ve just folded in on itself and probably my brain would’ve pffft’d into a fine mist of dumb powder and outside we went. In my thin pants and even thinner sport jacket with my recently warmed leftover takeout cooling off in my room.

I’d like to say this straightened me out. I’m not even kidding you, toward the end of today I was thinking about what to slice (I think it’ll be good for tomorrow, if I make it to tomorrow and don’t wind up on like 3 days ago or something when I wake up) and, looking at that project the girls had to abandon, I was thinking about how I was going to tell the boss I started a graphic design subcommittee (started a Parks and Rec rewatch last night) for the school-wide project I’m in charge of and that it should be done before the deadline, no problem. I gathered my laptop, got my usual mug and tea bag to make my after work meeting tea, and started making my way down to my Wednesday meeting, rehearsing last minute how clever I was going to sound with the whole “subcommittee” line. I saw another teacher who is a member of the team meeting on Wednesday and asked, as the Nick Miller in me is wont to do, where the heck the meeting is if she’s going the other way. 

Turns out, the Wednesday meeting? It’s tomorrow. On Wednesday. Imagine that.